In the Eye of the Hurricane!

2010-02-05T18:06:00.000-08:00

Wow... It has been a while... I have been very busy being a single mommy of two!
I need to do better about posting...
God has blessed me so much over the last year.
I promise to sit down and write a long post soon!!! (maybe when my kids are grown I will have time again!)

2009-07-16T17:36:00.000-07:00

Well it has been quite a while... honestly I have bee just to occupied with life and just to tired to write... God has been teaching me a lot... I have been questioning a lot..
For those of you who know me in person, you know I am a PEOPLE person, you know that I love being with people. I always want some one to talk to. I recently came to the realization that not only and I dealing with being abandoned, betrayed, and left with two small children, I am also dealing with learning how to be by myself. I have never lived alone. (Yes, technically I am not alone, I have two little ones but you know what I mean!) I moved from my parents, to college dorms, then a house with 6 girls, then a house with 5 girls, then married. I have never lived alone! This alone thing is a daunting task for me. Much less, add parenting and living life. Some people get energy from being alone, but for me it is tiring.
I am sure that God has a lesson in this, maybe to rely on him more, or to rely on others less... who knows... but I am sure that I won't meet some one else until I learn what ever that lesson is...

But the more I process this all, the more I realize that I have to come to a place of contentment with me and the Lord before I can meet some one. I need to focus on my life with the Lord for a while. Maybe make some friends in the process but...just be me. I am happy with who I am becoming in the Lord and continue to grow in Him... and I will just continue on my path and one day I will meet the man to will love me the ways God intended for me to be loved and honored.

Those who love me, I will deliver; I will protect those who know my name. When they call to me, I will answer them; I will be with them in trouble, I will rescue them and honor them. With long life I will satisfy them, and show them my salvation. (Psalm 91:14-16)

Delight yourself in the LORD,
and he will give you the desires of your heart.
-- Ps 37:4

2009-05-17T22:58:00.001-07:00

Today was a good day. I love Sundays… but at the same time I don’t like them at all. You could say that I have a love/hate relationship with Sundays… Let me explain…

God knows what I need to hear and some times I don’t like it. So on Sundays, God makes me hear what he wants me to hear. My pastor has just been right on with his sermons!

I have really been struggling with a lot recently. I think that when things were really bad I prayed non stop and clung to my faith. Now that things are just rolling along, not much is happening with my husband or my marriage.. (We are just waiting on paperwork, attorneys and negotiating divorce stuff) but now that things are some what stable, I think that my seeking God has just plateau off. That is so not where I want to be. I don’t want to be a “when times get rough Christian” I want to be an ALL THE TIME CHRISTIAN.

So today, my pastor preached on prayer. Here are some of my thoughts…

I think I might have blogged about this before when we pray “God’s will be done” I think it is a cop out! HELLO… don’t you think that God knows your heart, you’re not tricking him in to thinking that you don’t want something in specific… What you really want to say is that “God I want this in specific… but if you choose to do other wise… I want to be ok with it but I most likely will pitch a fit, so Lord, if you don’t do what I want please give me the ability to accept that as your will and be ok with it.” - Cuz we all know that “Let your will be done” is not really what you want… yes, you are suppose to want God’s will but you also know that you want that job, or Aunt Susie to get well, or what ever to happen…

Then I question… God’s will… I think that it is a concept I will struggle with FOREVER… because is it God’s will that some one is living in Sin? NOPE… So I can pray all I want for some one to find God and because is doesn’t happened doesn’t mean that it isn’t God’s will… I think it is God’s will for everyone to know Him but he also gave us freewill. Yes, God can control everything and MAKE things happen but he doesn’t. He allows us to live our lives and make our choices. So me to pray that God’s will be done… I just don’t know how that fits. So if I pray and he doesn’t return to Christ, does that mean it isn’t God’s will? I doubt it. Just because my marriage didn’t get put back together does that mean that it wasn’t God’s will for my marriage to work? NOPE… it simply means that we are humans with a sinful nature and my marriage not working out is due to our sinful nature.

I am not sure I agree with people saying that when God doesn’t answer your prayers that it means that “it just isn’t God’s timing” REALLY? REALLY… so are you saying that God’s timing is that some one live in sin, hurt and pain and then one day years from now they come to know him? REALLY… you really think that God wants some one to live in the darkness for years because “it just isn’t God’s timing” … I think that is just as big of a cop out! Yes, I think God’s timing is perfect but I also think that FREEWILL comes in to play A LOT! I think God’s timing might be a ok answer when it comes to a job or moving but not to when it comes to something like salvation. I think that God does have a time for everything. He knows everything and works everything to His glory in His timing. He uses our sinful nature and our freewill to work to his glory in his timing but that doesn’t mean that he determines the time. If God determined the timing of our choices then is that really free will? If he determines WHEN we come to him, or return to him, then are we really choosing him? Yes, I think that God knows the timing but he doesn’t force us. If he did, then why wouldn’t he just force my husband to go ahead and return to him tomorrow? Because I find it hard to believe that God’s perfect timing desires that my husband live in darkness for years and that my children and I feel the effects of that for years.

SO BASICALLY – I THINK FREEWILL SUCKS RIGHT NOW!! J Unfortunately, we some times think that our sin and our decisions only affect our own lives but they don’t. The bible is very clear that a parent’s sin affects their children. When you think about your sin affecting your children it changes how you view your sin, some how it makes it so much bigger. I want to be the best parent I can be to my daughters, I want to be a role model to them. I want them to have a strong Christian mother and father to look up to.

Some thing that my pastor keeps saying that I am struggling with…

He keeps saying that if you know that God has promised you something, don’t give up on it, keep praying and asking for it. God will do what he has promised.

So here is what I am struggling with –

How do I know what God has promised me? - I believe that he has promised me a Godly husband and Godly marriage. I feel called to missions and to be a wife. Does that mean my husband will be restored in Christ? Or does it mean I will marry some one else? Did God promise me that I will be a wife, loved and cared for and give me a husband that I can love and take care of? Is that God’s promise or my own selfish desires to be loved? Did God put the desire to have a family with a mommy and daddy in my heart? Did God put the desire in my heart to be a wife? Or is that a selfish desire that the human side of me has? What about the other single mom’s who have the same desire or my good friends who desire a spouse but have yet to meet someone?

Doesn’t God want my marriage to be restored? Of course… but then that whole free will thing comes in to play.

I believe that God wants every marriage to be restored. He cries when marriages end in divorce… So why do I think that mine is so special that he should restore mine? I don’t think it really is up to God. (DISCLAIMER – It could be but God doesn’t want to force it) I can pray all the time for my husbands restoration in Christ, but really it is up to my husband and his choice. So maybe I shouldn’t be praying that God bring my husband back to him, I should be praying that God continues to be present in my husbands life and surround him with people who shine his light. Whether my husband listens to God or not is his choice and between him and God.

At what point do I let it go? Biblically I have grounds for divorce. I know I do but I don’t think that is what God wanted for our marriage. But at what point can I let it go and rest on the fact that I know I did what God asked me to do however my husband also has a freewill and choose not to do what was right.? At what point do I go on living life? Emotionally, I want to let go, I am ready, I want to move on but… what if…What if I held on a little longer.. what if… Personally, the BECKY side of me, I am done… so done.. but the CHRISTIAN side of me is struggling with being done. Is that really what God wants me to do?

Then it all comes back to is this really about my marriage? Am I being selfish? This is really about my husband… and his relationship with Christ. That is really what I should be focusing on. I told a dear friend tonight that I really had stopped praying for his salvation. A few weeks ago, I just gave up. I gave up on him, I gave up on any restoration in Christ for him. I gave up praying for the people around him. He is surrounded by Christian people… So I am making the commitment to PRAY…

I am going to start again ~ Praying for my husband, for his salvation, for all the people around him that they can shine Christ’s light of love, and for his family, that they will know how to love him with Christ love yet holding him accountable to his actions.

Ok.. it is now 1:00am and I am not sure I am making sense anymore.. Good night!

Prayer -How real is He to you?

2009-05-06T20:26:00.002-07:00

I have been so busy!!!

Life is good, God is Good...

I have been blessed so much!

So tonight at church we were talking about prayer...

The question was asked tonight, How close is the relationship if you can't be honest? That is so true... How good of friends are you if you can't be honest with a friend? I find it HUGELY insulting when I find out that some one who I count as a close friend can't be honest with me about their feelings. So how does God feel when I am not honest with him? (Like He doesn't know anyways?) So is it that if I admit it to God I have to admit it to my self?

God knows everything about me, the good, the bad and the ugly... and guess what HE STILL LOVES ME... HE STILL DIED ON THE CROSS FOR ME!!! Amazing... So why do I hide? Why do I run away at times?

I have found that when I just am brutally honest with God, He seems more real to me. He answers me... It is almost easier to talk to God like a real person. When I just chat with Him like He is my best friend sitting next to me, it just seems easier.... (That is just me...may not work for you... )

I can yell, scream, stomp my feet, and throw a fit because some times life isn't how I want it to be, guess what? God knows and sends me to the corner for a time out!

I can cry, melt to the floor in anguish, and sob because life and people hurt me, guess what? God knows and wraps his arms around me!

I can laugh, smile, and sing because God is faithful and loves me, guess what? God knows and rejoices with me!

God knows.... (Maybe that is my next tattoo to match my "...Then God" )

2009-05-06T20:26:00.001-07:00

Yes, I should be packing right now... But I have to feed Amelia so I am typing this while she eats...

Here is the story...
About a week ago I got a call from my relator, Natalie asking if I could be out by May 1st, there was a CASH buyer who wanted to look at the house but didn't even want to look at it if I couldn't be out by May 1st. I said sure, I can be out. (At that point I had two weeks!)
So a week was waisted on negotiations... and here we are...

The buyer is a real estate guy in town who is buying our house so he can live in it while he builds himself a new house... He needs to have access to my house by May 1.

So I found a two bedroom town home... It was small but I was just going to suck it up and make it work... but I can't get the keys till Tuesday... So there is NO way I can be out of my current house by Thursday... So we moved the closing date to May 4th. The buyer wasn't happy about that... He mentioned that he had some duplexes that were open (He has tons of rental properties across town) So I went over this evening to look at them.... They were cute, good area and 3 bedrooms (Much bigger than the town home) So... He knocked down the price and the deposit, isn't making me sign a year lease - I can do month to month.. and gave me keys tonight... ALL so I can be out by thursday and he can have my house... :)

SO.... I now have a cute 3 bedroom duplex... I am excited about it... but sad cuz it means that this is really happening....
BUT I have to be out my Thursday...

SO.... that is the story...

God was taking care of me!

2009-04-22T06:22:00.001-07:00

Totally excited...
As I was dropping the girls off at Summers (my brothers wife- who is my daycare and does a awesome job) well as I dropped the girls off, the exterminators were there and one of them saw my tattoo and read it "... Then God???" and so I was able to tell him that when life gets hard and your biggest fears happen, then God, then God will pick you up and carry you. To which he responded "that is neat, I am a Baptist minister"....The other guy with him goes to summers church.... I didn't get to witness to a non beliver but it was the first stranger who I have gotten to share it with.... I hope I was able to encourage them.... That is the point of my tattoo and life....

2009-04-13T14:38:00.000-07:00

So... it has been a while...

Sorry, I have been really busy.... I have been spending countless hours getting the house ready to put on the market. I don't want to move but I just can't afford the mortgage on my own, plus I think I need a space that is mine not ours. I am looking at several duplex/town homes near my church.

So Pray that the house sells quickly and that we don't lose money on it!

Life... wow... it has been busy...
I can tell that I haven't spend much time in the word or prayer like I have in the past. How can I tell? I am getting angry and bitter towards him. I know that is why. I could blame the fact that he has become increasingly demeaning, rude, crude and uncalled for towards me... but all in all God commands us to turn the other cheek and love.... not snap back. But it is so human to snap back. I just want to yell some times. I have never ever been talked to or demeaned like I have recently... and the human reaction is to fight back.... Lord, give me patience and peace. Give me the strength to shine your light rather than fight back....
I hate that I have been fighting back and snapping back more than I should be!

What is frustrating is when I don't fight back and respond in anger, I get accused of being "holier than thou" or "high and mighty"

I can't win no matter what.... SO... I should be responding by going in to the word and prayer....

Pray that I MAKE the time to read my bible!
I feel like a failure at times because I just don't have the energy... So the conversation goes like this...

Me: God?
God: yes, princess?
Me: you know my heart so do i really need to use energy telling you everything??? Cuz i am tired and have to much to do...
God: Make time....and I will give you rest...

Do you think God gets upset if you fall asleep while you are praying?? I use to think that was horrible, like it was disrespectful... but now.. I think God is the last person I want to be talking to or thinking about when I fall asleep so it is ok....

Sorry this post is kinda my ramblings...
Maybe next time I won't stay away so long...

2009-03-24T23:31:00.000-07:00

I think most of you have seen this... It was my birthday gift to my self.
Go back and read my post about the If/then in life...

I love it!
(Sorry it is sideways.. For some reason it won't let me rotate it!)

The Motions

2009-03-24T23:17:00.000-07:00

Matthew West - The Motions
From the album Something To Say

This might hurt
It's not safe
But I know that I've gotta make a change
I don't care If I break

At least I'll be feeling something
Cause just ok
Is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of life

Chorus
I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
Without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking
What if I had given everything?
Instead of going through the motions

No regrets
Not this time
I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind
Let Your love
Make me whole
I think I'm finally feeling something

Take me all the way
Take me all the way
Take me all the way

2009-03-24T23:12:00.000-07:00

I will survive this in life. I will go on... Not because I am strong (I am weak), or because I have to (There are times I don't want to)... but because GOD IS CARRYING ME. I have found a relationship with Christ I didn't have before but I have to seek Christ out. I am sad that it took this to happen for me to honestly seek HIM. I have to spend time with Him to cultivate the relationship. I could have chosen to turn away from God and be bitter through this. But God has helped me not be bitter. I know this is weird but I am the happiest I have ever been in life and it has nothing to do with my circumstances...(because my circumstances suck right now) it has to do with me being happy in who I am in Christ and the security that He gives me in life.

Through this I have also had to find my self. I have found my self and continue to find my self. I am a child of God, I am a princess of Christ. He is my heavenly husband, who will never forsake me, never betray me and never leave me. He loves me for who I am in Him.

New Beginnings

2009-03-12T22:09:00.000-07:00

Well, tomorrow is my birthday. I am another year older. This past year has been a very hard year filled full of trials, tears, laughs and smiles. I have learned a lot and grown a lot. I am ready for a new year full of more trials, tears, laughs and smiles.

Some of the things that I have been blessed with over the last year of my life: (Not in any order)

~ Amelia was born!

~ Learned that I am truly loved by friends and family

~ Learned that God is good and renewed my relationship with Christ.

~ Coralyn has grown so much, talking more, learning more and making me smile more!

~ and MUCH more

Things over the next year that I would like to do/learn:

~ Start life again

~ Start dating again (SCARY!)

~ Learn more about making my own graphic designs

~ Start a graphic design business

~ Get out of debt

~ Lose 20 more pounds

~ Grow deeper in my relationship with Christ, Glorify GOD in all that I do!

~ Bless and witness others

~ Be more patient with my daughters and with my soon to be ex-husband

I am determined that this next year of my life will be great because I have God on my side…

I will be blessed.

Bring it on world! My GOD IS BIGGER THAN YOU!

2009-03-05T19:30:00.001-08:00

A dear friend sent me a card a while back with a ton of verses on it.
As I felt VERY discouraged tonight I decided to look some of them up...

God is faithful and His word is TRUE.

Hebrews 10:35-36 So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised.

Hebrews 11:1 Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.

Isaiah 40:28-31 Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

Romans 8:28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Romans 8:31 What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us?

Jeremiah 29:11-13 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

Philippians 2:3 Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.

John 15:5-7 "I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you.

Galatians 5:16 So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature.

Galatians 5:22-25 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit.

Matthew 6:34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Philippians 1:9-11 And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ—to the glory and praise of God.

Isaiah 41:13 For I am the LORD, your God,
who takes hold of your right hand
and says to you, Do not fear;
I will help you.

Philippians 4:6-7 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Colossians 3:23-24 Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving.

Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.

Isaiah 55:6-8 Seek the LORD while he may be found;
call on him while he is near. Let the wicked forsake his way
and the evil man his thoughts. Let him turn to the LORD, and he will have mercy on him, and to our God, for he will freely pardon. "For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,"
declares the LORD.

Isaiah 55:11 so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.

Psalm 29:11 The LORD gives strength to his people;
the LORD blesses his people with peace.

Psalm 34:18 The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Psalm 34:19 A righteous man may have many troubles,
but the LORD delivers him from them all;

Matthew 11:28-30 "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

Housekeeping

2009-03-04T23:12:00.000-08:00

Few things...

1. If you have a blog, Can you please add this blog to your link list?

2. Did you know that you can become a follower of the blog? that means that you will get notices when I update the blog...

3. Please feel free to comment on my posts... Sometimes I wonder if I am talking into the wind or making sense to anyone other than me....

Thanks for taking the time to read my random thoughts and lessons in life!

Becky's random thoughts

2009-03-04T23:06:00.000-08:00

Lets see if I can make some sense of what is swirling around in my head.

Some of the things I have been struggling with recently:

Having faith for what I ask for:
The Bible is clear on the fact that we should have faith for what we are praying for. But is it that we should have faith that God WILL make it happen or that God CAN make it happen? If it doesn’t happen is it because I don’t have enough faith. I don’t think so. I think that I should have faith that God can make it happen but He has also given us freewill and will not force Himself upon us.

Praying Gods will be done:
Then there is the whole “Becky, pray for God’s will to be done, rather than your own” – I have decided that praying God’s will be done is a cop-out. So does that mean that if my life isn’t put back together, that is God’s will?? Ummm… no… God’s will is that my husband return to the Lord and my marriage be restored. However, that is where freewill and sin come in to play. God’s will is not all ways done because He gives us freewill. (If you haven’t read the Shack, you should! – it deals with a lot of this stuff) It is not God’s will that I hurt or go through all of this, but God will use it to His glory if I allow him to.

I don’t think that it is God’s will that bad things happen. They are result of sin, either in our own lives, the lives of people around us or just due to sin in the world. Yes, God has the ability to step in and stop bad things however then we would just be living in world where we are God’s little puppets and that is not the case. God allows us to make choices and our choices effect others. It is what we do with the effects of other people choices that matters. I could blame God right now, I could be angry at God and my husband right now. But instead I will choose to love God and love my husband. I will choose to allow God to be glorified through this.

I am not sure any of that makes any amount of sense…

Some of the things I am grateful for:

Honesty with God: What I love about my God is that I can be brutally honest. I don’t have to put on a face with him. He knows what I am feeling; he understands what I am going through. (Back to the whole praying for His will to be done – when I really want my marriage put back together – Guess what… God knows… I don’t have to be PC with God!) I can yell, cry, scream, sob and laugh about things with God.

My support system: I love you all. God is good. He has provided me with 5 awesome support systems; My church, my Ester Bible study women, Residents/FHC, my job and family!

My Girls: Some times I am totally overwhelmed at the idea of being a single mom… but then I look at them and I can’t be more in love with them!

My husband: Ok shoot me; I know most of you are saying why are you grateful for your husband who is hurting you…. Well I am… I am grateful that he gave me two princesses, I am grateful that through this I have found a relationship with Christ. I am grateful for the last 6 years with him. He is a good man, he is simply lost and confused.

How you can pray for me:

- I am tired… emotionally and physically (but I can’t seem to sleep)
- I am struggling in my faith…. There are times I just want to throw my arms up and say screw it… but I know that is not the answer.
- My heart’s needs are not matching up with my mind’s knowledge. (I know God will meet my needs and is in control and will be faithful, but that doesn’t hold me at night and doesn’t make it any easier)
- That God will heal my wounds quickly
- That my husband will hear the Lord and his heart will be softened to the Truth
- That I seek the Lord in all my interactions and relationships in life.

2009-03-03T12:35:00.001-08:00

Finding Treasures in Trials...

"Every problem--great or small--has in it a treasure waiting to be discovered. The secret to successful treasure hunting is understanding two life-changing words: faith and love."

- From "It Takes Two to Tango" by Gary and Norma Smalley

Hospital lessons

2009-02-28T20:47:00.000-08:00

Wow... I am learning so much! God uses all things for good...
For thoese of you who don't know... My 6 week old is in the hospital. For updates on her you can visit our family blog. http://www.thehappelshome.blogspot.com/

But.. I am learned alot over the last week.
1. TRUST GOD
2. TRUST GOD
3. TRUST GOD
4... and when you TRUST GOD, HE will work everything for good!

I have had some neet times, through this I have been able to witness to a nurse who is catholic(and seeking and wanting more of a relationship with Christ) and just witness and encourage seveal nurses who are Christians.

I had a visit from a seminary student who is doing some chaplin hours here... I think I scared her with my out spoken faith. (She hasn't been back to see me... heehee) But I think I was able to share with her a little about faith and being bold in your faith. She was very timid when she walked in to the room and timid about asking me about my faith... Little did she know what she was about to get herself in to!

I have also had to surrender my children in to HIS hand. The Lord is the great physician.
He is good, mighty and faithful!

He will work everything to his glory... and if all that happens from this experience is that He planed a mustard seed in a nurse's life, then GOD IS GOOD! (but I know that more is happening due to this that just that!)

Thank you for your love and prayers for my baby girl!

2009-02-23T13:09:00.001-08:00

The gem cannot be polished without friction, nor man perfected without trials. ~ Chinese Proverb

Sunday's sermon

2009-02-22T20:49:00.000-08:00

Ok... So I think God and Billy (My pastor) are in cahoots to nail me to the wall.. (I guess it is a good thing if I think that my pastor is talking to God, huh? )

So today's sermon... was about being a cracked pot and pain/suffering.

Hello, my name is Becky and I am a cracked pot. Yes, I am broken. I am a a cheap breakable cracked pot... but I have God in me that that is what is important.

So talking about pain and suffering... Billy was saying that God is not interested in getting us through the hard times, God WILL get us through but what His wants is for us to learn from the process. His goals are to develop our character and deepen our relationship with Him. (Umm, ok God... I have a lot of character and our relationship is ever getting deeper! Can it be over now?) But that is exactly what Billy was saying... I keep asking when this pain and suffering will be over but I am missing the point. Rather than focusing on the end of the pain I should be focusing on God.

Billy made some other really good points! (Which he often does!)

God uses the hard times to sharpen my FAITH. This has also come up in the Beth Moore study I am doing. Simlar to what I said yesterday, faith is trusting in God to do what ever his will is.

I had/have faith that God will restore my husband and marraige, however I understand that it may not be in the way I have in my mind. I might not ever be happily married to the man I am married to right now. My current husband might be restored in Christ later in life, years from now. God might provide me with a great marriage with another man... or he might have a bus hit my current husband and restore my current marriage. I don't know...but I will have faith in the LORD my GOD. I will glorify HIM no matter what.... I might yell, scream and pitch a fit like my 2 year old at nap time but in the end I will obey....

Not sure if that made any sense to you...but in the end the point is that no matter what pain and suffering you are going through God wants to be in a relationship with you and wants you to lean on Him and have faith that He will develop you as a servent and child of His during this time. Glorify him through all things.....

God's faithfulness and the desires of my heart

2009-02-21T22:04:00.000-08:00

So today I have really been struggling with God's faithfulness.
I KNOW He is faithful... but to KNOW and to FEEL are two completely different things.

I am having trouble feeling it recently. I mean, I have tried to depend on Him and be faithful in my actions... and how have I been rewarded, with a divorce?? I had faith that HE could restore my husband and my marriage however that has yet to happen. What about the women who pray for their husbands for years and years...Where is God's faithfulness in that? What about the verses in the Bible that promise me the desires of my heart? What about those people who are awesome Christians and servants of the Lord who have cancer and die at a young age due to cancer, did they not desire to be free of cancer and live longer lives? Why were their hearts desires not met?

I don't know... maybe as a Christian the desire of my heart should be to glorify the Lord. Simple as that. Nothing more... Maybe that is the real problem, not God's faithfulness, but the desires of my heart. Is desiring that my marriage be restored wrong? or that if it is not restored that I meet some man who is a great Christian who is willing to love and care for me wrong? No, I don't think any of these desires are wrong of me or un-godly of me... however maybe they aren't what should be my FIRST and GREATEST desire. Now all this is good and dandy but reconsiling it in my heart is a lot harder than typing it here...

Self-centeredness

2009-02-20T11:53:00.000-08:00

So I get a daily e-mail called Loving Actions...
This was today's:

Honoring God...

"Probably the most important thing that negative emotions reveal is our own self-centeredness. We need to admit our level of self-centeredness, because out of such an admission comes the freedom to refocus our expectations away from God's creation and onto God Himself."

- From "It Takes Two to Tango" by Gary and Norma Smalley

Very true... I am feeling very self-centered today. I am just lonely and miss him. I am having a pity party and seem to be centered on ME and my needs. How am I meeting my needs today... Honestly, I am pouting... when I should be letting God meet my needs. I should be allowing God to comfort me and meet my emotional and physical needs. BUT some times I just can't feel God holding my hand or holding me tight at night.
I really need to REFOCUS my EXPECTATIONS onto GOD HIMSELF....

Waiting

2009-02-17T13:14:00.000-08:00

I am doing Beth Moore's Ester study... Which I know I have said before but I am really enjoying! God seems to be speaking to me though it every day...

Well, recently I have been feeling rather ready... READY to move on in my life. Some what anxious and wanting to move on, ready to be done with this chapter of my life and start a new one. So guess what Beth Moore talked about today - WAITING ON THE LORD... Hahahaha... OK I HEAR YOU GOD!

Beth made the comment that some times we feel like the longer we wait, the more tired we become. This is so true. I am exhausted right now. Emotionally tired of everything. But she went on to say that when we are waiting on the LORD, His word says He will renew our strength and we will mount up like eagles. We must wait on the LORD, not on man or a specific event. We must rest, take comfort and wait on the Lord.

This chapter of my life is not over yet. I will continue to pray and love the Lord. I will be faithful to what God wants me to do and wait upon Him to close this chapter of my life when He is done writing it!

Sermon today

2009-02-15T12:38:00.000-08:00

So Billy (My pastor who is awesome!) preached today on Matt 19:16-28

I didn't get to hear his whole sermon because Amelia decided to poop on her clothes so I had to step out and change her! But the part I did get to hear was great... Kind of along some of the lines of what I have been talking about recently.

The man who was talking to Jesus was wealthy. Jesus told him to leave all his wealth and follow Hum. Jesus asked him to give up what was important to him and what he held dear to follow Christ. What do we hold dear to us? What are you willing to give up?

Kinda goes back to the If/Thens.... If something happened and you lost what was dear to you.... Would you say "THEN GOD" or would you blame God or be angry? What if you were asked to WILLINGLY give up what was most important to you for God? What would you do? I hope and pray that I would answer "Then God!" I hope that in this time where I have lost something and someone who is dear to me I am constantly saying "then God"

I think that we need to make sure that the MOST important thing in life to us is our relationship with GOD then we won't have to give up what we hold most dear!

Body of Christ

2009-02-15T12:26:00.000-08:00

I love Sundays! By the time Sunday comes around I am in such a need to be refreshed spiritually. I know that I can praise, worship and learn all week but there is nothing like singing praises to God surrounded by others who are loving and supporting me. There is just something to say about being part of a body of Christ. I feel that it is truly a Biblical principle. God calls us to be a part of the body. I am so greatful that God brought me to my church!

As I become a single mother, I am starting to really understand that the body of Christ is a family! I am having to learn how to ask for help. I know that there are Christian men who are going to step up and be role models for my daughter, church dads, and who will come over and fix things for me that a husband would normally fix! I know there are Christian women who will be there to support me and be a friend to me and a mother to me when I need a mom close by! I will have to learn to reach out and ask for help at times. I think part of the reason I don't ask for help is that I think that I have to do everything on my own to prove I am a strong woman. But I am learning that I can be strong in Christ rather than on my own. There were times in Jesus's life that he allowed others to serve him. Allowing some one to serve is harder than serving others!

2009-02-12T21:56:00.000-08:00

Here is my new favortie song! I love it... it is exactly how I feel right now...

Francesca Battistelli - Free To Be Me
From the album My Paper Heart

At twenty years of age
I'm still looking for a dream
A war is already waged for my destiny
But You've already won the battle
And You've got great plans for me
Though I can't always see

(Chorus)
I got a couple dents in my fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to put the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
And on my own I'm so clumsy
But on Your shoulders I can see
I'm free to be me

When I was just a girl
I thought I had it figured out
See my life will turn out right
And I'll make it here somehow
But things don't always come that easy
And sometimes I would doubt, 'cause...

(Chorus)

Sometimes I believe
That I can do anything
Yet other times I think
I've got nothing good to bring

But You look at my heart and tell me
That I've got all You seek
And it's easy to believe, even though...

(Chorus)

******************************

I am excited to BE ME... to find my new identity in Christ.
I might have a few dents in my fender and rips in my jeans but I am going to just be in ME in Christ!

Love

2009-02-12T13:16:00.000-08:00

Some times loving some one means doing something that you don't want to do or that might cause you pain for the best interest of the other person!

I fully believe that Jesus did not want to die on the cross, but He had the ultimate love for us and that He knew that it was in our best interest so He died on the cross for us. Matt 26:39 - Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, "My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will." - This verse is proof that Jesus did not WANT to do it but did anyway....

I think that is what God taught me today. There are things that I don't want to do or things that cause me great pain but they are in the best interest of my children so I do them anyway.

2009-02-11T22:44:00.000-08:00

In a full heart there is room for everything, and in an empty heart there is room for nothing.
--Antonio Porchia

This is SO true.... I pray that I can have a heart full of JOY, LOVE and LAUGHTER!

FATHER

2009-02-11T21:44:00.002-08:00

It is amazing what good time with other Christians can do. I really think that it is so important to be be involved in a Christian community! I had a rough day today however all I could think about was that today was Wednesday and I got to go to church. I was excited to go and just see Christian friends and learn about being a better mother and Christian.

As a Christian parent we are called to raise our children with discipline, consistency and love. As I think about how frustrated I can get with my adorable toddler when she continues to do something that I have told her not too, I wonder how God feels. I think that at times we are all like a 2 year old toddler! How many times have I told God "I can do it myself" or "NO!" or "MINE" and God simply calmly and patiently says "Oh child of mine, when will you learn? You can do nothing yourself" or "Oh child of mine, how many times do I have to tell you before you understand?"

I am amazed at how much patience God has for me. I am sure that I try His patience! However I take comfort in knowing that He will never get to impatient or frustrated to deal with me. He will forever discipline me with LOVE and GRACE. He is the perfect FATHER, far more perfect then any earthly father could ever be! No matter what kind of earthly father you had (And I have a great one!) or no matter what kind of earthly father your children have take comfort in knowing that you and your children have access to the perfect FATHER in Christ!

The if/thens in life

2009-02-10T18:32:00.000-08:00

Tuesdays are my Bible study days… I am currently doing Beth Moore’s Ester study! Wow… it is great! I learned a lot today. Today we talked about decisions, fear and courage. Beth said some things that really stood out to me:
• I can only be responsible for my self as I stand before God. I will not be present or responsible when others stand before Him. Therefore I need to concentrate on my own actions and attitudes.
• I am a child of God. His word is clear about the fact that He will never leave me or give up on me. He is saying “…I have never given up on you and I won’t… but you don’t give up on your self”

She talked about the if/then’s in life. We say to our selves if _____ happens, then I will just die or won’t be able to go on. I think every wife has said “if my husband ever had an affair or left me, I wouldn’t be able to keep going in life” She said that our if’s have to be followed by THEN GOD WILL TAKE CARE OF ME. Wow… so true. Lots of people have commented on how I am continuing to live through all that life has thrown at me recently… the answer is GOD. I must pick my self up and keep living. I have two little princesses that need me to a full functioning mommy and 100% there for them but beyond that I have a mighty God to serve and a lot of life to live to the fullest!

Philippians 1:6
…being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

Dreams and Goals

2009-02-09T21:47:00.001-08:00

So I was talking to a good friend of mine the other day and I asked "What do you do when your dreams and goals have been stripped away from you?"

The answer "Listen to God, go back to the start and follow those dreams that you compromised on because you thought you had to"

So.... I am now actively praying about going back to school for a Masters in Counseling.

I have also struggled with the whole concept of the fact that I feel called to missions and now how am I going to be able to do missions as a divorced, single mom.

Well I have come to the conclusion that God can use anyone... The Bible is very clear on that! How many times in the Bible does God use the lowest of the low to accomplish His will?

"Doing Missions" is not just through an agency and over seas. As Christians we are all called to be missionaries. I am doing missions in my current job, in my current every day! I don't have to have an agency or entity to bestow the title of missionary on me, I have the Highest Entity bestowing the title of missionary on me. I have Christ calling me His follower and His servant. And that is all I need!

Rock Bottom

2009-02-09T18:05:00.001-08:00

I know God is faithful and has plans to prosper me and not to harm me... but at times I wonder. I know that in the end I will be fine but it is the getting to the end that is hard.

I have been studying the story of Ester right now. (Beth Moore's new study) In the story of Ester God brought the Jews to desperate times to get them to turn back to him. The Jews had assimilated in to the Persian culture at the time. It took a threat of total annihilation to bring them back to God. That was there rock bottom... I am at my rock bottom. It saddens me that it took these events in my life to bring me back to him.

What is your rock bottom going to be? What will you have to lose before seeking God?

Pride

2009-02-09T12:47:00.001-08:00

So I have encountered a lot of issues with PRIDE recently.
Pride is a scary thing.

Webster's defines pride as an inordinate self-esteem. I have recently had to give up a lot of my pride. Pride is a interesting emotion. It keeps us from enjoying life, it keeps us from admitting our mistakes, it keeps us from forgiving each other and ourselves. I am making a contentious effort not to allow my pride to keep me back from any thing!

I am opening admitting:

I am NOT to proud to be a single mom - I am honored to raise my children!
I am NOT to proud to to admit that I could not keep my husband faithful - He makes his own choices!
I am NOT to proud to admit that I need help in life - I am grateful that I have the support of friends and family!
I am NOT to proud to stand up for what is right and wrong.
I am NOT to proud to admit that I need Christ in my life!
I am NOT to proud to admit that I am nothing in this world with out Christ!

Finding Treasures in Trials...

2009-02-09T12:46:00.000-08:00

"Sometimes the treasure is coated with corrosion, but if we do some scraping, we begin to see its value. Thanksgiving expresses our faith that God can, indeed, bring treasures out of trials, and faith adds muscle to the scraping process, even in the worst of trials."

- From "It Takes Two to Tango" by Gary and Norma Smalley

In the Eye of the Hurricane

2009-02-08T22:06:00.000-08:00

I have lived through lots of hurricanes while growing up in the tropics however none like the one that I am in right now. I am currently living in a emotional hurricane. However in the middle of all the rain and pain, God has provided me with a stillness and peace that is only found in the eye of the hurricane. Join me as I walk through life. Living life in the best way I know how, worshiping the Lord and obeying as best as I can.

Over the last six months, I have learned a lot about life. I regret not starting this journal earlier in the journey.

Here is the back ground:
I thought I was happily married. Thought is the word there. Married for 5 years, one cute little toddler and another little one on the way. One day I came home to my husband, who informed me that he was having an affair. To make the story short, I loved him and continued to love and forgive him. However, that was not enough and he walked out on our family, marriage and God. He claims that he was and is a Christian however he continues to reject the truth and God. I have no clue if he is a Christian or not and in reality it does not matter if he is or not because either way he is does not have an active personal relationship with Christ right now.

I have spent the last six months loving my husband and praying. It is amazing how the storms and rain can bring you back to a relationship with Christ. I have been a Christian since I was a child, raised in a Christian home but over the years I have had times where I was walking next to Christ and times that I wasn’t. Honestly, more times where I wasn’t then when I was. During this time I have questioned a lot of my beliefs and theology. Lots of deep questions have been asked:
Once saved, always saved?
What exactly does freewill mean?
Why does God give suffering? Or does he not create? Does he allow it?
And lots of other really deep things….

God and I have had some tough conversations recently. I have cried to Him, yelled at Him, pleaded with Him, bargained with Him and ultimately am learning to listen to Him.

God has blessed me beyond what I deserve. He has blessed me with two little princesses who I adore. They make me laugh and smile everyday! He has blessed me with a great support system of Christian friends and family! He has blessed me with a great job that I love. He has given me a peace about things despite the pain.

God is amazing and worthy to be praised. His name will be glorified in my life. I will live to serve Him through life’s hurricanes!